....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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