Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
