i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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