I hate all girls vehemently.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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