Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize