Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
