life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's Friday. Sex?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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