how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
it was like eating out sand paper
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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