dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
