I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
