Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
