as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
false alarm, still single
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
