I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
