420 ftw
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize