I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
