she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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