I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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