Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
