i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
