nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
