don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize