So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
