he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm too high and old for this...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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