Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
