oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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