TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
