Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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