I want to walk on stilts...naked
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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