I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
