we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
