My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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