If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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