Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
