Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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