I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I didn't notice because vodka
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
