is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
