i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
