She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
