ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
