Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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