Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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