You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
