I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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