The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
