i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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