all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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