My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Even my vagina gasped.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
