I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A bitchslap is in order.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
