my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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