I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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