Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
