I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
