just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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