you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
