I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
