I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
