Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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