I seem to have left my pride at pride
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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