Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
