i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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