No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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