I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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