I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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