I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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