I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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