Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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