i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You are the jesus of drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
